Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
Yes, I named this post after a Backstreet Boys song.
“I’ve been feeling lonely all this week, and I’m not sure why,” my client said thoughtfully. His marriage was fine. He has a healthy circle of friends. There were no big struggles he was unsupported in. But, he was lonely nonetheless. Growing up in rural Maine, I used to think that loneliness was something like the fields of snow: seemingly endless, solid, and impermeable when in season. These days I think of loneliness as a more fluid emotion. It comes and goes, it is porous, and it can be affected by the outside world while not necessarily being a reflection of it. Sometimes it makes no damn sense at all.
Why do many people find it harder to acknowledge loneliness than other emotions, harder even than to acknowledge depression or anxiety? My client and I reached the conclusion together that to admit loneliness feels like it might mean something beyond an emotional state. To tell others that you are lonely feels as if you are offering up an argument that you are not worth associating with. Perhaps there is an evolutionary backdrop to this aversion to confessing loneliness. That to admit loneliness is tantamount to saying “I am defenseless and vulnerable.”
I am a firm believer in the utility of emotions as signal flags, pathways that our body and brain use as shorthand to make us and others we are close to aware of important information. “Hey, you” our brain says, metaphorically waving its arms and jumping up and down. “Pay attention!” The message may prompt us to do something in the short-term; to reach out to a friend, or even just leave the house for a walk. Or it may be that greater change is necessary in how we conduct the rhythms of our work, our free time, or family connections.
Therapy can help loneliness by giving someone an immediate release valve by which they can feel close connection with another; and by offering a venue in which client and therapist can formulate ideas as to what causes loneliness and how to address it. These two practices overlap and support one another. If a person holds a lot of shame and secrecy, then the chance to talk through issues with a neutral and understanding person may ease the tension. If the issue seems to be a deficit of social skills or painful anxiety that precludes their use, then a therapist can help identify solutions. As the process unfolds, a therapist can hold a client accountable for accomplishing the steps identified, help to troubleshoot the parts that don’t go as planned, and talk through successes to find helpful nuggets of knowledge.
Take loneliness as a signal to cultivate and tend your connections. That is all it is, not a damning indictment of personality defect or a proclamation of some essential flaw. There are many possible escape routes, as long as one follows the impetus for motion towards someone or something outside your own self.
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