Choosing a Therapist or, “Do I even like spending time with this person?”
I have the privilege of hearing a lot of therapy horror stories. Honestly, I love it. I’ve collected a mental file of “Shit Therapists Say” that ranges from the clueless to the cruel to the downright bizarre.
“She suggested that I was sexually attracted to my cat.”
“He tattled to my adult children about my drinking, and didn’t even tell me first!”
“She asked what it would be like to give me a long hug like my mother never did, but I just met her!”
Choosing a therapist is different from selecting any other healthcare professional. Most of us start by looking at who takes our insurance and how convenient their office is. But it’s important to look for other qualities of fit, especially personality. Consider that if it makes the difference between therapy that works and therapy that you just sit through, it might be worth making an extra effort or paying more for a skilled practitioner.
There’s nothing wrong with calling around and making appointments with a few different therapists. Play the field a little. This way, if you’re not sure exactly what you want you at least know your options.
The mental flow chart of choosing a therapist should start with the question, “Do I feel comfortable with this person?” You’re going to need to be genuine and maybe vulnerable with them. Is this someone who feels safe? Someone who you might even enjoy talking to?
The second primary criterion for choosing a therapist is that they should bring something to the table. The number one complaint I hear about therapists are variants of:
“She was a great listener, but I didn’t feel like I was getting much new.”
“Every two minutes he asked me ‘And how do you feel about that?’”
“It was like talking to a parrot, where she just repeated everything back to me.”
I recognize this strategy from my own education. It comes from the true but incomplete edict that direction and growth must come from within a client. Yes, AND the reason that clients seek therapy is generally that they’ve tried to listen to their inner voice and all they’re getting is static. As I see it, my clients come to me to find the direction for growth they need, and my job is to play an active role in offering up options.
Creativity, skillful question formation, and a sense of humor can go a long way to propelling the process forward. Training and methods may also be important to you, in which case ask the therapist about their theoretical orientation and do some research about the different approaches.
Observe how the interaction feels to you in the first session or two and whether you feel that you’re getting something new: be that fresh perspective, information, or the welling up of new feelings—including hope. If the interaction feels uncomfortable or lifeless, there’s nothing wrong with seeking a better fit. If you feel a pull towards this person but have reservations, bring up your concerns to them.
Opening up to someone is a process. Start with a good feeling that something is moving and if it stays good, keep going!
